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The Moment I Knew My Marriage Was Over

Divorce From Huffington Post - Fri, 08/19/2016 - 22:07

Was there a moment you knew your marriage was over? A split-second you saw the writing on the wall ― even if you didn’t acknowledge as much until later?

We asked readers on Facebook and Twitter to share the moment they knew their relationships were over (hashtag: #themomentiknew) and collected the responses below. (Some are especially surprising: who knew bacon could figure in the demise of a lifelong union?)

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

Categories: Divorce Stuff

(Photo: Tristan Fewings/Getty Images) - A.V. Club

Breaking Divorce News from Google - Fri, 08/19/2016 - 20:22

A.V. Club

(Photo: Tristan Fewings/Getty Images)
A.V. Club
Amber Heard and Johnny Depp settled their divorce earlier this week after 15 months of marriage. It was an especially harrowing ordeal for Heard, who got a restraining order after accusing Depp of domestic violence. But the domestic violence charges ...
Amber Heard donates $7-million Johnny Depp divorce settlement to charitiesLos Angeles Times
Amber Heard Parties With Margot Robbie and Cara Delevingne Days After Divorce SettlementE! Online
Amber Heard Donates $7 Million Divorce Settlement To CharityHuffington Post
Deadline -TMZ.com
all 324 news articles »
Categories: Divorce Stuff

Murdered Lawyer Only The Latest Bizarre Twist In Bizarre Divorce Case - Above the Law

Breaking Divorce News from Google - Fri, 08/19/2016 - 20:16

Above the Law

Murdered Lawyer Only The Latest Bizarre Twist In Bizarre Divorce Case
Above the Law
When the headline “A Lawyer's Murder Makes a Weird Houston Divorce Case a Lot Weirder” comes across the desk, it's worth digging a little deeper. The Houston Press brings us the long and winding tale of real estate magnate Mohammad Ali Choudhri and ...

Categories: Divorce Stuff

Mayim Bialik Gets Refreshingly Candid About Life After Divorce - Huffington Post

Breaking Divorce News from Google - Fri, 08/19/2016 - 19:00

Huffington Post

Mayim Bialik Gets Refreshingly Candid About Life After Divorce
Huffington Post
Three years into co-parenting, “Big Bang Theory” star Mayim Bialik has learned a lot about what it takes to raise healthy, happy kids after divorce. In a refreshingly honest YouTube video, the 40-year-old actress talks about how she and ex Michael ...

Categories: Divorce Stuff

Kentucky justices struggle with mentally incompetent divorce - Fox News

Breaking Divorce News from Google - Fri, 08/19/2016 - 18:59

Fox News

Kentucky justices struggle with mentally incompetent divorce
Fox News
But Kentucky law has not allowed a mentally incompetent person to divorce since 1943, when a precedent was set by the state's highest court. Elmer's attorney asked the justices to overturn Kentucky's ban — one of 10 states where it is still in place ...
Unusual request for divorce at the heart of Kentucky caseWKYT
Couple may be stuck in marriage because husband is mentally incompetentLondon Free Press

all 10 news articles »
Categories: Divorce Stuff

Mayim Bialik Gets Refreshingly Candid About Life After Divorce

Divorce From Huffington Post - Fri, 08/19/2016 - 18:57

Three years into co-parenting, “Big Bang Theory” star Mayim Bialik has learned a lot about what it takes to raise healthy, happy kids after divorce. 

In a refreshingly honest YouTube video, the 40-year-old actress talks about how she and ex Michael Stone have put aside their differences to raise their two sons, ages 7 and 10.

“Being divorced is not a fun way to raise kids,” says Bialik, who split from Stone in November 2012 after nine years of marriage. “Things my ex did when we were married that annoyed me then, annoy me still.”

So why put the effort in, she asks?

“Life is not a dress rehearsal,” Bialik says. “My kids get one chance to be kids and this is their situation. I have to put them first because I’m their mom and he’s their dad.” 

(Story continues under the photo.) 

Bialik, who plays neurobiologist Amy Farrah Fowler on “The Big Bang Theory,” also praises her ex for bearing so much responsibility for their kids.

“I’m a working mom and every night when I’m working, he’s the one feeding them dinner, giving them a bath, reading them goodnight stories, tucking them in and making sure they sleep well,” she says. 

The mom of two adds: “The best thing I can do is be tremendously grateful for what a wonderful ex-husband I have and what a great dad he is and to continue to shatter the image of the perfect family I thought my intact family would be.”

Well said. (Though we have to say: If getting divorced and co-parenting advice from “Blossom” doesn’t make you feel old, we don’t know what will.) 

Watch the clip above for more real talk from Bialik.

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

Categories: Divorce Stuff

Divorce inspired Keshia Knight Pulliam's baby name - Page Six

Breaking Divorce News from Google - Fri, 08/19/2016 - 18:49

Page Six

Divorce inspired Keshia Knight Pulliam's baby name
Page Six
A source told Page Six last month that she was blindsided by Hartwell's divorce filing. Meanwhile, Hartwell has publicly said he has doubts that he is the father of the child. As for her daughter's first name, Pulliam said she always planned on Elle ...
Keshia Knight Pulliam Divorce Update: Pregnant Actress Reveals Daughter's Name Was Inspired By Drama With Ed ...International Business Times
Keshia Knight Pulliam Reveals Name for Baby Girl—and How It Was Inspired by Her DivorceE! Online
Pregnant Keshia Knight Pulliam Reveals Name of Baby Girl, Inspired by DivorceUs Weekly

all 15 news articles »
Categories: Divorce Stuff

The Financial Tricks Couples Play Before Divorce - MarketWatch

Breaking Divorce News from Google - Fri, 08/19/2016 - 18:00

The Financial Tricks Couples Play Before Divorce
Divorce attorney Randall Kessler joins Catey Hill and Quentin Fottrell to talk the financial tricks couples play before getting divorced and the best way to go about protecting your money should you one day part ways with your spouse. loading... More ...

Categories: Divorce Stuff

Scorned bride sells wedding dress on eBay to fund divorce - USA TODAY

Breaking Divorce News from Google - Fri, 08/19/2016 - 16:42


Scorned bride sells wedding dress on eBay to fund divorce
Mainly selling as I need to pay for my divorce which my ex-husband has left me to foot the bill for! ... "As it reaches the floor, it is a little dirty around this area and so will need a dry clean before it's worn for your special day. I didn't have ...
Wedding dress for sale to pay for divorceBBC News
Woman selling wedding dress online to pay for divorcefox5sandiego.com
Woman lists wedding dress on eBay to pay for divorceWGN-TV
Coco Butter Blog -ITV News
all 49 news articles »
Categories: Divorce Stuff

This Mom And Stepmom Are Best Friends -- But It Wasn't Always That Way

Divorce From Huffington Post - Fri, 08/19/2016 - 16:16

As part of our Blended Family Friday series, each week we spotlight a different stepfamily to learn how they’ve worked to bring their two families together. Our hope is that by telling their stories, we’ll bring you closer to blended family bliss in your own life! Want to share your family’s story? Email us at divorce@huffingtonpost.com.

When Latisa Valdez’s ex-husband started to get serious with his girlfriend a few years back, Latisa didn’t necessarily greet the new woman with open arms.

Eventually, though, she realized the girlfriend, Shelby Hilliard, was great for her ex and their four kids. That change in perspective was a result of effort from both women.

“It can be difficult, so our main goal is to share our story and hopefully help families struggling with this,” Valdez told The Huffington Post. 

Below, Valdez and Hilliard ― who live with their families in Orange, Texas ― share more of their stepfamily success story. 

Hi guys. Please introduce us to your family. 

Latisa: We have a family of nine. Our family consists of four parents and five children. Steven is my ex-husband and we have four children together: Hunter (11), MaeKaylee (10), Brayedon (9), and Kaysen (6). I’ve been married to my husband Greg for nearly six years. 

Steven is now married to Shelby. They have a daughter of their own, Zayleigh (2). Greg and I are her godparents.

Shelby: Steven and I have been together for five years and married for three.

What was it like when you first met each other? 

Latisa: Initially, I felt annoyed and didn’t really want to know her. But over time, the relationship between us has grown and now we have such an amazing bond. It keeps growing!

Shelby: When I first met the kids, I tried to be gentle and understanding. The children didn’t ask for their parents to get a divorce. I wanted them to know that I could never replace their mom nor did I want to. But I wanted them to know I was there for them if they needed anything. After a while, Latisa and I developed a great relationship and were able to become best friends.

What have been some of the biggest challenges your family has faced?

Latisa: The biggest challenge for me is making sure that when we are having a discussion that is very important, no one gets their feelings hurt. We haven’t had big problems co-parenting but it can be a challenge. Communication and listening to each other definitely helps.

Shelby: What’s challenging for me is when the older kids leave. My daughter always gets upset. At first she would cry and even act out when they would go back to their Latisa’s house. There are times when she still does but I think the older she gets, the more she realizes they have two homes. Luckily for us, their mom and I are best friends so I just take Zayleigh over there to visit her siblings and we spend all day together. She has even got to spend a few nights with them.

What do you appreciate most about raising your kids in a blended family? 

Latisa:  All the love. We are and always will be one big family. We love and care and pray for each other.

Shelby: We are blessed to have such a beautifully blended family where everyone gets along. We love the relationship we have with Latisa and Steven. Our children get to see that no matter what differences their parents had, we all came together for them. They brought us close as a family and that is an incredible story. Instead of them feeling as if they are the reason their family failed, they see their family grew in numbers and in love. 

Latisa, you asked Shelby and Steven to be part of your wedding when you married Greg. Why was that important to you? 

Latisa: It was important to Greg and me because at this point, all four of us have created a bond that most co-parents don’t have. They’re two of our best friends and a big part of our lives.

What’s your best advice for co-parents struggling to work as a team? 

Latisa: My advice for stepmoms would be to try and take the first step with the biomom. Start a conversation. Let her know that you want to be on the same team and not against her and that you respect her and want to learn from her. Convince her that you are not trying to take her place.

Shelby: I would tell them to be patient. It isn’t always going to be easy. We all struggle; being a stepparent, parent or a spouse takes a lot of patience and understanding. I had no idea what to do when I first became a part of this family ― and sometimes I still don’t. However, I know that my family is worth it: They’re worth every worry, every tear, every emotional breakdown ― every single bit of it. It took a lot of time, energy, tears, compromise and love to get to where we are today. Hang in there and don’t give up. It won’t be easy but it will be worth it.

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

Categories: Divorce Stuff

Should I Divorce To Get More Social Security Benefits From My Ex? - Forbes

Breaking Divorce News from Google - Fri, 08/19/2016 - 16:14


Should I Divorce To Get More Social Security Benefits From My Ex?
By Laurence J. Kotlikoff, Next Avenue Contributor. (Boston University Economist Larry Kotlikoff is an expert on Social Security who answers reader's questions for both Next Avenue and Forbes.) Before I get to this week's post on claiming Social ...
A hidden Social Security windfall for divorced womenFinancial Planning

all 47 news articles »
Categories: Divorce Stuff

Gray divorce on the rise with longevity trend - InvestmentNews (blog)

Breaking Divorce News from Google - Fri, 08/19/2016 - 14:39

InvestmentNews (blog)

Gray divorce on the rise with longevity trend
InvestmentNews (blog)
The prospect of living unhappily ever after in a retirement that can last 20 or 30 years or more is one of the reasons behind the growing incidence of divorce among spouses age 50 and older. Throw in the possibility of an adult child living at home ...

Categories: Divorce Stuff

A Lawyer's Murder Makes a Weird Houston Divorce Case a Lot Weirder - Houston Press

Breaking Divorce News from Google - Fri, 08/19/2016 - 11:04

Houston Press

A Lawyer's Murder Makes a Weird Houston Divorce Case a Lot Weirder
Houston Press
Choudhri later filed a formal divorce petition in Pakistan, and Azhar filed her own petition in Houston. Now, courts in Texas and Pakistan are trying to hash out who has jurisdiction. In a 17-page affidavit, Azhar describes Choudhri as a monstrous man ...

Categories: Divorce Stuff

Amber Heard Donates $7 Million Divorce Settlement To Charity

Divorce From Huffington Post - Fri, 08/19/2016 - 00:41

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Actress Amber Heard said on Thursday she is donating her $7 million divorce settlement from actor Johnny Depp to charity.

Heard, 30, said in a statement that she is dividing the full settlement equally between the American Civil Liberties Union, specifically to prevent violence against women, and the Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles.

“As described in the restraining order and divorce settlement, money played no role for me personally and never has, except to the extent that I could donate it to charity and, in doing so, hopefully help those less able to defend themselves,” the actress said.

Depp’s representative did not immediately respond to requests for comment.

Heard and Depp, 53, privately settled their acrimonious divorce case on Tuesday, a day ahead of a court hearing on the status of a restraining order the actress had obtained against her estranged husband.

The couple released a joint statement calling their relationship “intensely passionate and at times volatile but always bound by love,” adding that “there was never any intent of physical or emotional harm.”

The settlement ended the couple’s 15-month marriage after weeks of highly publicized claims of domestic violence by Heard and counterclaims of financial blackmailing by Depp.

Depp, one of Hollywood’s top actors and box-office draws with franchises such as “Pirates of the Caribbean,” married Heard, known for “Friday Night Lights,” in February 2015 after meeting on the set of the 2011 film “The Rum Diary.”

Heard will be starring in Warner Bros’ upcoming “Justice League” superhero film, while Depp will reprise his lead role in the next “Pirates of the Caribbean” film.

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

Categories: Divorce Stuff

24 Tweets That Will Make A Lot Of Sense To People Who Live Alone

Divorce From Huffington Post - Thu, 08/18/2016 - 22:46

Living alone has some amazing perks, like sleeping diagonally across your bed or eating directly from the ice cream carton without any outside judgment. But let’s be real here: there are also some obvious drawbacks. Case in point: Freaking out over any minor noise after a horror movie commercial comes on. 

Below, we’ve collected 24 hilariously relatable tweets from people who are all too familiar with the highs and lows of living alone. 

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

Categories: Divorce Stuff

Re-Entering The Dating World After Many Years

Divorce From Huffington Post - Thu, 08/18/2016 - 22:06
As we all know, dating can be tricky at any age, but it can be especially so in older dating, or when dating after a very long-term relationship. It may have been quite some time since you have dated, as you have been married, or involved with someone for years. There is a good chance that at the point that you had your last long term relationship, the roles and rules of dating may have looked quite different. Many men may face women who are bolder and the aggressor in the relationship, and are not sure how to navigate that.

At the point when they entered their marriage, many years ago, people were in more traditional roles. Many have not had to let someone down gently in quite some time, so they have forgotten the common courtesies of letting someone go gently and with grace. There may not have been a world of online dating apps, dating sites, texting over calls, or people who want to go "dutch treat." It is a strange new world, and it is important to have patience, an open mind, and a willingness to grow and change with the changing dating world around them.

The first point to consider is the situation in which the women is the one who makes the first move, and the man is not used to things not being on his terms. This can be jarring the first time it happens, but this is actually quite common now, and is not a sign that the woman is too forward, that she is only looking for a good time and nothing serious, or that she does not think highly of herself. She just believes that you are equals, and that it is ok to let you know that she is interested in getting to know you better. Take it for the compliment that it is, and keep an open mind.

Another very important issue is the common courtesy of letting someone down with grace and kindness. It may have been many years since you have had to tell someone that they are not for you, or that you do not feel you are a match. They may not be right for you, but that does not mean you cannot be kindhearted and gentle to the person. In this digital age, many people will do what is called "ghosting" someone, where they simply cease all communication, and never give the person a reason why. You are all too aware that there are better ways to handle this, and that as a person, you would hope for some kindness and courtesy. The person may not be right for you, but it takes virtually no effort to tell someone, "I don't see things working out between us, but you are a good person, and I know there is the right person out there for you. I wish you the best in your search." Simple, classy, and closure!

Over these last years, there are many way things have changed. With dating apps and sites, with empowered and successful women who want to pay their own way, with the women being the one who asks you out first, but in many ways things have stayed the same. Remember that at the heart of things, the goal is for two people to meet and make a connection with each other. That fact has never changed. The way they meet, communicate, and what they do for dates might be slightly different, but change is not always a bad thing. Perhaps this second chance is the chance you have been looking for. Perhaps all these new ways of meeting people and dating will allow you to find someone you may have never found otherwise. Perhaps, dare I say, you may find the person that you have always been looking for. Someone who is that true fit for you, and who appreciates and loves you just as you are now. While sadly, things may not work out for our first attempt at a life with someone, there is a chance that an even better match is out there waiting for you, if you keep an open mind and heart.

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

Categories: Divorce Stuff

8 Ways To Build A Positive Relationship With Your Stepkids

Divorce From Huffington Post - Thu, 08/18/2016 - 21:29
Most of the stepparents who contact me for support tell me they had no idea what they were getting into. One stepdad, Steve, put it this way, "I was never a father before, and at the ripe "young" age of 42, I was thinking that I was somehow going to "get by" and become accepted by my stepchildren, primarily because I had married their mother. I was getting by trying to be "nice" to my new stepkids but comments like "You're not my father" made me feel disrespected.

Different from a biological parent, a major thrust of being a stepparent is to be a friend to your stepchildren on some level. Not like a school friend, but an adult friend more akin to being a guidance counselor or mentor who is also a parental figure. This is especially important in the beginning of your relationship as you build trust.

There are many ways you can develop a positive relationship with your stepchildren if you invite them to participate in activities that interest them and expose them to some of your hobbies. For instance, inviting your stepchildren to share your love of hiking while on a summer vacation can help you form a friendship.

However, it may be more challenging to form a bond with a stepchild of the opposite gender, especially if your personalities clash and you do not share interests. There is no such thing as instant love between a new stepparent and a stepchild. One of the most crucial things to learn about a stepfamily is that most children give love and trust to their parent, but feel their stepparent must earn their love and trust. This takes time, years really.

8 ways to build a positive relationship your stepchildren:

Stepparents had best proceed slowly: Take your time in getting to know your stepchildren. Rushing it may satisfy your own unmet needs to be liked but backfire. After all, you will most likely be seen as an outsider since your stepkids lived with their biological parent before you came on the scene.
Respect your spouse's relationship with your stepkids and don't feel threatened by their close connection. He or she will want to spend special time with their children so try not to feel neglected by him/her. Make plans with your friends and graciously step out of their way.
Have realistic expectations: Just because things went well when you were dating your partner, doesn't ensure things will go smoothly once you're a committed couple. A marriage effectively ends any hope of their mother and father reunifying and can reignite feelings of loss for your stepchildren. Remember that your stepkids will be there for the duration whether a positive relationship unfolds with you, so step to the higher ground and be the adult role model they deserve.
Develop a relationship with your stepchildren through hobbies and interests. Sharing interests from sports to the arts can only help you develop a bond. Be persistent if he or she fails to invite you to an event or activity. Keep in mind, you are the adult and need to be the mature one. Say something like: "I'd love to go to your basketball game, how do I get tickets?"
Understand your stepchild's view. First, it's a given that your stepchildren had a relationship with your spouse that existed before you came on the scene. Stepfamilies are complicated and even if your stepchildren seem to like you well enough, they'll sometimes want time alone with their parent and prefer you weren't in the picture.
Allow the parent to discipline. As mentioned earlier, you have to earn your stepkids trust over time and so it's not a good idea to discipline him or her before you've earned their respect. Be sure to present the household rules as a joint decision but don't discipline your stepkids right away or you'll be seen as the scoundrel.
Realize that love often comes later. Even if you do not hit it off with your stepchildren, you can still develop a working relationship built on respect. If your stepchildren don't warm up to you right away that doesn't mean you have failed.
Cooperate with the biological parent living with you, and talk talk talk. Most of the talking will take place away from your stepkids but be sure to have cordial conversations and informal discussions about family rules, roles, chores, and routines with the kids.

Presenting a united front with your spouse is very helpful to the formation of a healthy stepfamily. This action requires respect, caring and lots of love because it may not be easy to do if you do not agree with your spouse. Caring and respect are especially important, cannot be rushed, and are "earned" or granted over time among all family members.

Always do your best to support your partner's decisions about his or her biological children. This will help build trust between you and your stepchildren. Remember you are a "competitor" for their parents' attention, especially when a remarriage takes place within a few years after the breakup of your stepchild's family.

Be sure to encourage and listen to your stepchildren's input so they'll feel validated. Ultimately you and your spouse are the adults who have the last say on household decisions but showing your stepkids you respect their input will help cement a good relationship in the years to come.

Keep in mind that the relationship between your spouse and their children existed before you arrived and your relationship with your stepchildren isn't built on solid ground. It is essential that you know this and honor it. Therefore, if you feel like you are walking on eggshells, you are not alone - most stepparents feel tenuous at times in their new role.

One stepmom put it this way: "At times I felt like a stranger around my stepson when we were first married and I didn't know exactly how to relate to him. But over time, by showing interest and attending his soccer games, things got better and I no longer feel like the fifth wheel."

Let's end on the words of author Suzen J. Ziegahn, P.h.D.: "As a stepparent, it's to your advantage to develop a tolerable, hopefully positive relationship with your stepchild as soon as possible. It will encourage the survival of your stepfamily - and your marriage because the relationship you have with your stepchild may redefine the relationship you have with your partner."

Follow Terry Gaspard on Twitter, Facebook, and movingpastdivorce.com. Terry's book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents' Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website.

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

Categories: Divorce Stuff

How I Finally Decided To Walk Away

Divorce From Huffington Post - Thu, 08/18/2016 - 21:12
I used to see the stars in your eyes.

But I never imagined that one day they would fade away.

For years, we journeyed through this life and created the most beautiful  memories. And no matter what, we always spoke passionately about the future that we wanted to build together.

Life with you used to be my escape.

Movies and ice cream on the couch, walks on the beach, dinners at our favorite restaurants, even just talking in bed until 4 a.m.
They've been some of the best days of my life .... seared into my memory.

Believe me, I've loved you ... more than I've loved myself. And I swear I've always put your happiness before mine.

But somewhere along this broken road I lost you.

And what has pained me the most is that you're standing right in front of me.

I never thought in my wildest dreams that a love so powerful, one that once made me buckle at my knees, would leave me crying for a way out.

I've fought, and I've fought. All so that I can feel your love again .. even if just for a moment.
But I can't fight for you anymore.

All  the arguing and the disagreements; we're just not on the same page. We've become two people traveling in opposite directions, and I've been trying so desperately to alter my path so that we can meet once again on common ground.

I love you, and a piece of me always will .... but I'm just not in love with you anymore. That spark that once burned so viciously has fizzled out, and it's breaking me.

I've tried tirelessly to reignite that fire. I've spent countless nights thinking of ways to bring back those days when your eyes had that look in them.

But I've failed.

Once the best of friends sharing the deepest levels of intimacy, we've become strangers lost inside our own world. We barely touch anymore, and I rarely feel your lips against mine.

You used to be the person I'd look forward to sharing everything with. And now I recognize how little you care.

We've lost our love, and I swear I've searched high and low trying to find it. I've screamed and I've yelled, I've cried and I've begged ...

But it's gone, and I can't search for it anymore.

Yet, I hold on. Seemingly to what once was.

How do I walk away from someone I love, even though I know there's nothing left here for us?

It's like we can't escape from each other.

And while we might smile for a photo, or seem happy to friends and family around us ... nothing is the same.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but I'm so tired of hurting myself. I'm tired of breaking my own heart, hoping and praying that one day you'll love me the way you once did.

Those better tomorrows that I wished for us ... I can't wish for them alone.

For years, I allowed my love for you to overpower the love I have for myself, but I can't anymore.

I'm broken ... and I want nothing more than to escape from this prison that I never asked to enter.

I remember laying in bed next to you dreaming of our future. Now I lay there, dreaming of a way out.
But I keep giving you the opportunity to disappoint me over and over again.

Maybe I need to have my heart shatter into a million different pieces. Maybe I need to have my world turned upside down, all so that I can find the person that I lost years ago trying so tirelessly to love you ...


I want to love. I want to laugh. I want to dream with someone who wants to dream with me.

I want to look at someone and see my world in their eyes, and know that I'm the most important person in their life.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to be loved the way I've loved you.

You deserve that, too.

So while the memories of what once was have seem to win each round of this pound-for-pound fight inside my head, when it's all said and done, I'll win by decision.

My own decision .... to walk away.

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

Categories: Divorce Stuff

Do You Want To Go Through Your Divorce Or Grow Through It?

Divorce From Huffington Post - Thu, 08/18/2016 - 20:09
Everyone going through divorce deals with anger and it manifests itself in different ways for each of us. You may be dealing with fear or intimidation, betrayal or insecurity, shame or disbelief, anxiety or confusion...the list is endless. What do you do when the fabric of your life feels like it is being torn to shreds and stability and certainty are nowhere to be found?

Embrace your greatest tribulation to create an amazing life transformation.

Upon what do you choose to focus?

  • When everything is changing it makes sense that we look back at what was and ask why or how?

  • When everything is changing it makes sense that we look forward at what might be and wonder 'what if'.

  • When everything is changing it makes sense that we don't want to be where we are and look to escape the present.

There is value in looking back
at what happened. It is an important part of the healing process. The challenge is to look at our part, not theirs. Asking why he or she did something or changed or hurt you is natural. However, sometimes there is no clear or easy answer or any answer at all. I have had clients who got so caught in wanting to understand and know why that they stayed stuck for weeks and even months wrestling with 'why'.

Here are some of the questions I ask them...

  • Imagine that you knew why, what would change?

  • How would that answer affect your life going forward?

  • How is CHOOSING not to move forward without the 'why' answered serving you?

  • What would it be like to let 'why' go and begin to move on?

On the other hand, asking questions about your behavior is where the jewels are found.

  • When did I first notice a crack in the foundation of my marriage?

  • How did I choose to deal with my concerns, unhappiness, fears?

  • What have I been avoiding?

  • What might I have done differently?

I have found that it always takes two people to break a marriage. Even if betrayal is the thing that seems to have 'broken' your marriage, digging below the surface reveals cracks that may have turned into craters destroying the foundation of the marriage long before the betrayal began. You know clearly what your spouse's part in the break up is...what is yours?

Yes, there is value in looking back. But 'living' in the past, will not serve you in your healing process or in moving forward. Whether you are ruminating about what was 'done to you' or focussing on only the good things about the past and wanting to go back to those times, you are avoiding the present moment.

There is also value in considering what's next.
Our minds naturally try to 'figure things out' when there is an unknown and divorce certainly leaves us with a lot of unknowns about our future. To consider all the aspects of your life that may change is a responsible reasonable activity. However, if you find yourself worrying about the possible worst case scenarios - all the negative 'what ifs' that you can imagine...driving yourself into total anxiety, you have gone down a dark alley that dead ends in desperation.

Make your thoughts about the future productive. List the questions that you have and then go about finding out the answers.

  • 'How much money do I need to live on?

  1. Create a budget

  2. Assess your current spending and see where you can cut back

  • Where am I going to live?

  1. Call a real estate agent,

  2. Gather information about renting or buying

  3. Go look at places to begin getting excited about the possibilities

  • How can I make sure I remain a vital part of my children's lives

  1. Ask your attorney about joint / shared custody

  2. Look carefully at your time availability and see what would serve you and your children best

  3. Don't be vengeful or use the children as pawns...ALWAYS do what is best for them and you can't go wrong

Whatever your issues are, list the questions you have and go about answering them. This way your time spent thinking about the future is productive, healthy and focused on what you do have control over and not feeding into your greatest fears.

The greatest value is in Living In The Present. I know that it may be the last place you want to be right now. Trust that there are reasons you are going through this difficult time and gifts that are available to you which will only be found if you are present to receive them.

I have worked with dozens of men and women navigating their divorce. For those that choose to work through the difficulties they face and keep their focus on themselves, there is enormous personal growth and transformation. Their lives going forward will never be the same, but rather so much better as they begin to let their fears melt away and step into their true selves. It changes who they are and what they desire in the most beautiful way. BUT it takes courage, patience, humility and faith.

Are you wondering, 'why is this happening to me?' If you are:
looking in the rear view mirror or
at the future through the lens of fear
consider what might happen if you stop resisting what is and
begin to allow yourself to participate in the unfolding of your present moments

If this article has touched on something that you would like to explore, our team of coaches is standing by to offer you a complimentary session to flush out what is going on with you and how you might SHIFT to a place that is more beneficial to you. Click here to contact us.

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Categories: Divorce Stuff

When You're Divorced, Which Parent Pays For Your Child's Olympic Dreams?

Divorce From Huffington Post - Thu, 08/18/2016 - 18:55
Olympic champion Michael Phelps was raised by his divorced single mom Debbie; fellow gold medal swimmer Ryan Lochte's parents are divorced, as are the parents of gymnast Gabby Douglas. The accomplishments of these athletes at the Rio Summer Olympics are good evidence that divorce doesn't need to deter a child's Olympic dreams.

But as a divorced co-parent, how do you pay for them?

If you've got a budding athlete determined to go for the gold, one of the first places to look for guidance on who foots the bill for coaches, lessons, equipment, and other sports-related expenses for your child, is your divorce settlement's child support arrangements.

In most states, child support guidelines allow for a portion of the regular award to cover things like basic lessons and costs related to extracurricular sports at school. This comes out of a pool of money that may be earmarked as "Entertainment," as it is here in New Jersey. The allotment of money calculated into the award is generally expected to not only cover extracurricular sports, but also other normal entertainment activities such as movie rentals or concert tickets. If your child is inspired by Simone Manuel to start taking swimming lessons, then money from this part of the child support award can go to help cover the costs, if you choose to use it for such.

However, if your child is already swimming laps around other kids and showing signs of being the next Katie Ledecky, the waters become a bit murkier for what role child support plays in funding the extra coaching and tournament expenses an elite athlete requires. For example, swimmer Sean Grieshop is an Olympic hopeful whose family spends $600 a month in training fees, $400 to $500 on each racing swimsuit, $1,000 every time they travel out of town for a swim meet, and additional expenses for regular trips to the sports massage therapist, nutritionist and personal trainer. Ordinary or basic child support is not necessarily earmarked to cover these expenses.

However, child support guidelines in various states do typically carry language about support for "gifted or special needs" children. The case could be made that a child "gifted" in a certain sport is deserving of the support required to express this gift to the fullest. In New Jersey, judges are committed to always look at the "best interest of the child" in making any decision. If it is viewed that pursuing the sport is in the best interest of the child, the judge may be more likely to invoke this gifted clause to some extent, or decide on other arrangements, such as creating a parenting time plan around the child's sports schedule.

Does this mean a judge can order a parent to take out a second mortgage to keep the child in the running for the next Olympics? No. The courts generally take into account three key factors when determining how costs are shared:

1. Each parent's income.
2. Any settlement agreements and court orders addressing parental decision-making and child support obligations. For example, if parents divorce when their child is already participating in the sport, the divorce may spell out exact terms of how parents will share the sports-related costs.
3. The child's demonstrated talent and commitment to the sport in question.

In general, the parent who is more enthusiastic about the child's involvement in sports may need to be willing to take on more of the burden of paying for extras above and beyond normal participation -- or be willing to concede on other issues. Depending on their situation, some parents may decide to forgo going back to court all together and look for other sources of money, including scholarships or sponsorships to help defray costs.

Whatever financial decisions you come to with your former spouse, take inspiration from the many divorced parents who have rooted on their kids' Olympic aspirations. As Debbie Phelps once said, "Every parent who is sitting in the stands wants their child to do their best." And this includes divorced co-parents, too!

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

Categories: Divorce Stuff
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